


say what

by sothatsagoodthing



Category: A Little Life - Hanya Yanagihara
Genre: Andy is exasperated, Crack, Jude never gets a break, M/M, Willem is jealous, also everyone is an idiot because rule of funny, do not take it seriously, seriously ridiculous, this very stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 01:55:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17951420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sothatsagoodthing/pseuds/sothatsagoodthing
Summary: Harold calls Willem to tell him about Caleb's mistreatment of Jude. Willem misses the point pretty spectacularly.WARNING: This is a very, very silly fic, however Hanya Yanagihara's "A Little Life" deals with some seriously disturbing stuff including domestic abuse and chronic illness. Some of that is referenced here, so if that makes you uncomfortable, maybe don't read this. I am not trying to mock anyone who has to deal with these issues, which are obviously not at all funny in real life. This is just my cracky response to a very depressing book.





	1. Willem

„Heey Willem, it’s Harold, how’s the shoot? I’m sure it’s great. Listen, you should probably get back to New York.“

“Oh God, did something happen to Jude? Did Jude happen to Jude?”

“Not exactly. But yeah, Jude’s in the hospital, so - ”

“In the hospital, why? Is it his legs?”

“Nah, well, you see, actually he kinda got kicked down the stairs… ”

“Who kicked him down the stairs? Imma kick their ass!”

“His boyfriend did it.”

“Come again?”

“His boyfriend put him in the hospital.”

“Say what.”

“Yeah, funny story, so it turns out Jude has been kinda dating this asshole Caleb for four months. Huh, who knew?”

“Say what?!”

“I know, it’s crazy, but he was totally in a relationship. I wanna be proud, but of course it was an abusive  
relationship, so that’s not good. But you know Jude, poor boy never gets a break.”

“SAY FUCKING WHAT?!”

“Then again, Caleb is pretty hot, so I can see why he fell for hi-”

“Oh, is he, Harold? Is he hot, Harold? Is this Caleb hot? What kind of a name is Caleb anyway?”

“Well actually - ”

“You know who else is hot, Harold? You know who else has great abs, and the best, fluffiest hair and cheekbones that, and I quote, “could cut diamonds” – that was in vogue, Harold - you know who else is really hot and available?”

“Um… JB?”

“It’s me, Harold. I’m hot. I’m hot, okay? And I’m sensitive and caring and I’m definitely a better lover than Caleb, okay? Not to mention, you know I’ve, like, been Jude’s best friend for, like, 20 years and I’ve always looked out for him and held his hand. But you know, you’re right, it’s totally understandable that he went for hot Caleb.”

“Son, I think you’re taking this a little personally. How about we just focus on helping Jude, okay?”

“You are absolutely right, I’m sorry. Tell me how I can help.”

“Well the first thing you could do is-”

“I CAN’T DO IT HAROLD. I TRIED. BUT IT JUST HURTS TOO BAD! I mean, like, I’ve lived with the guy for twenty years, I told him I want him to move in with my wife and my ten kids when we’re both old, I’ve massaged his scar creams and I broke stupid JB’s face and – and then Caleb waltzes in and Jude just, what, starts dating this asshole? Out of nowhere? I mean. Jude St. Francis. Jude “the lockbox” St. Francis. Jude “I know you’ve told me you love me a bunch of times but no you still can’t even know my sexual orientation” St. Francis. That Jude. Like, does the world even make any sense anymore?”

“Well. I gotta say Willem, I didn’t know you were so into him.”

“OF COURSE I’M INTO HIM, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?”

“He’s my son, of course -”

“BUT HAVE YOU NOTICED HIS EYES, HAROLD? They’re so beautiful I could cry.”


	2. Andy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now it's Andy's turn to receive the news. How will he react?   
> (Stupidly. This is crack, remember?)

“Heeey Andy, it’s Harold.”

“What did he do now? Is it another tennis injury?”

“No, it’s not a tennis injury. Actually, there never were any tennis injuries. Turns out his boyfriend hit him.”

“Come again?”

“His boyfriend hit him.”

“Say what.”

“Jude’s boyfriend. Jude has a boyfriend. Had. Crazy story, right?”

“SAY WHAT?”

“Yeah, but turns out Caleb’s an abusive asshole, so I think I’m gonna have to take a raincheck on the grandkids.”

“SAY FUCKING WHAT? So you’re telling me, Jude St. Francis, Jude “I don’t think relationships are for me” St. Francis has been secretly dating some asshole named Caleb AND HE DIDN’T TELL ME?”

“That’s basically it, yeah.”

“Who even is this asshole? I mean, you can’t tell me any old douchebag can waltz in and sweep Jude off his feet. I mean, it’s not like Jude has someone caring for him and watching out for him, who’s totally chill with seeing him naked and has tried over and over to tell him he deserves to be treated right. No, I’m sure Caleb did all that for Jude. Next you’re gonna tell me he’s a better doctor too!”

“Andy… why do you care? You’re straight. You’re married!”

“BUT HAVE YOU SEEN JUDE? HE IS SO PRETTY OHMIGAWD.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, my friends.  
> Well, I may someday write more in this fandom because honestly it's a travesty there is so little content for this book on AO3.  
> If you got even the slightest chuckle, please comment, it would mean the world to me!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Fun fact: I actually got to meet the author once. I shudder at the thought of how disappointed she would be in me. Sorry Hanya, I love your work!


End file.
